What Childhood? From Baby to Man

Though the death of Barry was a shock, Wayne continued with his childhood. Lanolin had many male suitors who all agreed, Wayne should definitely be in sports immediately. Basketball had immediately came to mind since Wayne was ahead of the curve in height and weight.

One day, one of Waynes several "uncles" took him to a near by basketball court for a pick up game. Wayne was only 8 months old at the time but his coordination and walking abilities were that of a 6 yr old.

Wayne and his "uncle" patiently waited for the game currently being played to be over and when it was, Wayne stood with the other children ready to begin what his "uncle" thought to be his assent into superstardom. Wayne was picked last out of the other children. Not because he wasn't intimidating, he was, but at the same time he was a truly odd sight. He was only wearing his t-shirt, running shoes, and a diaper.

The game was about to begin. One of the older kids told Wayne to stand down by the basket. Wayne blankly looked at the kid. The boy repeated himself. Wayne stood silently. The boy set the basketball down and walked over to the spot he wanted Wayne and pointed down. When he looked up, he saw a giggiling Wayne running away with the basketball. His "uncle" yelled for him to stop and bring the ball back but Wayne never stopped. In this distance you could hear Waynes first words.

"Poopie douche"

As Wayne was running, a black van pulled up next to him. The van accelerated and got in front of Wayne. Two asian men jumped out and threw Wayne in the van. He would spend the next 7yrs in an Asian sweatshop. Hating Asians everyday.

Basketball Wayne

The Beginning of the Legend

In 1951, Lanolin and Barry Simon gave birth to a son. Because of their religion, polygamy, they were unsure if Barry was actually the father. The baby, having a dark brown left eye, hair as black as night, a white right eye due to a scar that drained the eye of pigment, a full goatee, and a tattoo of the tazmanian devil dressed as a hitler youth on his right butt cheek, Barry had a pretty good indication he might not be his biological son but Barry didnt care. He wanted to share the love he had in his heart with the boy. They named him Wayne.

When Lanolin was released from the hospital 2 days later, Baby Wayne already grew 3 ft and weighed 45 pounds. When the arrived at their home, Barry immediately tried to throw Baby Wayne into his favorite sport: Cricket. Barry died due to extreme head trama from the force of a cricket ball striking his head.

3 days later, Baby Wayne was 5-6 and weighed 150lbs. He grew a full beard in mourning of his father who had loved him like his own son, for the 6 days he was alive so far.

Waynes first halloween costume

The Forgotten

A buddy and me were talking the other day and the subject of movie sequels came up. I was like, "you know, terminator 2 and aliens were pretty good but there is one movie that people seem to forget that kicks ass." After i told him we both agreed that it had to be one of the most overlooked sequels of all time.

The subject of gremlins kinda came up because i said children are a lot like mogwai's. Dont really want to feed um after midnight. They hate getting wet. And if you leave um in the sun, they are more suseptiable to cancer. Truth.

That's when i made this revelation: I've seen gremlins 2 about a 1000 more times than the actual gremlins movie. That movie pretty much rules.

Think about it. We had cross dressing gremlins, the electric gremlin, the super smart gremlin, the vegetable gremlin, the spider gremlin, the bat gremlin........ The first movie, had a gremlin with a mohawk. WOW.

Plus, that Clamp guy was friggin great. He designs a building that super freaking hi-tech. Lingering memory: "HEY MISTER, WELCOME TO THE MENS ROOM." gold.

I think i've seen that guy in like 10 other movies since then and he'll always be remembered as the guy who played Clamp in Gremlins 2. Like in that movie Payback, he was in it. I figured he just took a vacation from Clamp Enterprises for a while and decided to become a mob underling. Porter kills him. Oh well.

Rope would be good.

Women carry purses..............it's a fact. They keep like everything in there man. I've seen even the toughest guys shy away from looking in a girls purse. You never know what you would find. I don't know why they feel the need to carry 1/4 of their personal possesions in a bag slung from their shoulder and i'm not gonna question it. They just fucking do. Which brings me to my point.........

...........what the hell are with man bags.

You know, that almost backpack that hangs on your side insted of like, on your back. What the hell do guys fucking need a sidepack man bag for? I don't ever think i've had the need to carry a bunch of shit around with me just in case i needed it. If i'm planning on carrying something around all day, and it don't fit in my pocket, it isn't fucking coming with me.

I asked someone why do you need a sidepack man bag?

Me: What's with the bag?

Fem Boy: It's got my stuff in it.

Me: Like your lunch or something?

Fem Boy: No. Stuff i need.

Me: Rope?

Fem Boy: No my drawing supplys in case i get inspired.

Me: Wow................that...............is...................lame.

In summation: Woman carrie purses. Douchebags carry man bags.

They are all so F-ing crazy

Remember when Brittney was frigging b-e-a-utiful man? In like 10 years if you told your kids that they'd think you were as crazy as Wayne Kravistzky. Why'd she have to get crazy? Well, I dunno. The fame? The drugs? Maybe it was because her music was terrible? This is where i give "props" to Justin Timberlake, he tapped it before she went bezerk.

I'm using Brittney as an example, but i think i could say this for a lot of women. I've dated a bunch of um that seemed awesome at the time, became insane later. So, I'd tell um

"You're fucking crazy."

Everyone of um would say the same thing back to me,

"It must be you cause I wasnt crazy with my last boyfriend."

Yes you were. Fucking liar. In fact, the last guy you boned should have branded a disclaimer. It's amazing what you forget you hear about a person until they are throwing your dvd player across the room. You start remembering stuff slowly at first like: "oh yeah, she was the chick who was ingaged to the kid you played basketball with in the 6th grade. Werent they only dating for like a month?" Small sign. Then there is: "Didnt you hear that she got raped like 10 times and never reported it? I think twice by the same guy then she dated him?" Bigger sign. Oh and of course: "Hey dumbass, remember when she tried to die on your kitchen floor during a party cause you flipped her off and she took it as Please Try to Kill Yourself?"

Slapped with a frying pan in the face kind of sign.

Shit, your fucking nuts. It was too late by that point. I got a chunk taken out of my neck. That sucked.

Thankfully, i suppose, she got help. Then I might have gotten her pregnant. Now she's a lesbian. Good for her.

I'm a goddamn moron.

And thats another thing. How come all the crazy chicks who had sex with a bunch of people always think i'm the one who gets them pregnant? You're crazy. You could have fallen into some type of sex coma and gotten pregnant by one of the guys that got you all high for the exact purpose of getting some. Now i'm not talking about one person, i'm now talking about 2.

That's right. 2 ,at-one-time crazy women, have told me they were pregnant with my kid. 1 turned out not to be. the second.....i'll be waiting for the verdict this week.

I'm a goddman moron.

Without a dope beat to step to

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Ch..Ch...Changes

Some people have had the notion in their heads that i've changed. Well, maybe i have. Is it a bad thing? i didnt think it was.

Some things are different, my house isnt nearly as delapidated as it once was. It's nowhere near finished either, but better than it was.

I don't drink as much as i used to. Not really cause anyone made me, but because i don't drink as much as i used. how's that? my choice and everything.

What i don't understand is, how can anyone be upset w/me for that. I got 4 very good friends that are either married or are getting married, i'm not unhappy for them, that's fucking awesome. Are they the same people they were 5 years ago, no, not at all. They've moved on with their lives and i dont blame them. i'm not getting married, i'm just using it as an example.

So now, i hear things. I hear people bitching that i've changed. I'm not that little drunk kid who lives in a crappy house, who breaks his walls, who smashes bottles, who let's people destroy his house. Holy shit, if i heard that about me, i'd be happy for me.

I'd be excited that i'm trying to be anything but a screwup. Can we try that? Am i not allowed to have a nice place to live? Everyone else does. No i'm supposed to be everyones grinder monkey and entertain them.

The thing that pisses me off the most is, some of these people are supposed to be my best friends. Can't handle me growing up at all.

I do want to say that this post is not directed towards everyone. Some people have been rather supportive of everything and i appreciate it. You know who you are.

And something else, i like having people over. I like drinking and having fun when i can. I had a blast last weekend. The only difference is now, when i have fun, it's not at the expense at the place i'll still be living at in 10 years.