Simpsons Movie

In tribute to the Simpsons Movie opening today, here are some funny Simpsons quotes. I'm lazy.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

Homer: Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Troy McClure: Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Last one and personal favorite-

Homer: Everytime i learn something new, something old gets pushed out of my brain. Remember that time i took that home wine making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: You were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Spit of the week-July 25th

If you had a childhood what so ever, you played mario brothers. If i asked which was the best mario brothers game ever, you more than likely would say Super Mario Bros 3. I'd have to agree. If it wasnt for this game, i dont think i'd have ever played a SMB ever again.

You see, SMB3 was an act of redemption. Redemption because of the lame ass fucking game that they slapped the name SMB2 on and got everyone all excited about nothing.

How bout this, those lazy fuckers, SMB2 isnt even really SMB2. Did you know that jack?!? It isn't. In "the homeland", the "homeland people that make videogames" thought that the original SMB2 would be too hard for "us". So they took this game called, Dream Factory: Yume Kōjō: Doki Doki Panic. See how they have "dream" in the title, that way you know, it's all a dream.

Yeah so, "the company", took out the 4 main charcters and replaced them with the mario characters. Then, they left everything else pretty much the same.



Fucking stupid. Look at it. Fucking stupid. Hang on real quick, why the hell would i want to play something like this if i enjoyed SMB? I wouldnt. It's terrible. That's why SMB3 had to be made. Cause it's excellance completely makes you forget there was ever a SMB2. Why the hell would i want to pull up vegetables and and stuff when i could turn into a racoon and smack people with my tail. Yeah sure, i could throw the vegetables at guys, fuck that how bout i just shoot some damn fireballs. That's right no fireballs in SMB2. No super powers at all. Luigi can jump high, yeah and he looks fucking gay. Toad is pretty great in that level you dig in the sand, yeah, that one fucking level. Princess can float, and she's a fucking cunt.


And another fucking thing, Zelda 2 sucked ass too.


Nintendo- I spit on you

It's time to play the FEUD!!!

I was driving in my car the other day, yeah and i was behind a truck. It had random stickers all over it so, i read some.

"horn broken, watch for finger." hahaha......

"Gas, ass, or grass."..........whoa hahahahaha.....

"Ross Perot '92"...........okay that one is kinda funny.

The one that cracks me up is the ones with the little Calvin (you know like Calvin n Hobbes?) guy peeing on stuff. Like well this...........

Peeing on the Ford logo. What the hell does that mean anyway? Piss on Ford? Why? Hmmm...

TruckMan5000-"Fords suck."

Me-"Um, why?"

TruckMan5000-"Um...I mean come on, they just do. They are terrible trucks. DODGE RULES!!"

Me-"Okay, why do they rule? What makes um better?"

TruckMan5000-"Well i drive Dodge and it's awesomely great and big and red. PISS ON FORD!!"

Dramatization........sorta.

I've asked people man, ford people, dodge people, why the antimosity towards the other? Why fight a feud for a corporation that just really wants your money anyway? It's like if i had a sticker with the little guy peeing on a bottle of Coca Cola. That way everyone knows that i like pepsi man, and i'm rebellious and coke sucks so piss on it. Pretty fucking retarded man. If ur gonna have anything, get something that just says like "my truck is better than yours cause i'm driving my truck and you are driving yours and i'm better than you cause you suck." I mean you can condense that anyway you would like. Why rip on someone for their preference of brand? More examples i believe are needed to accurately convey my point...

"Fuck you man, Capn Crunch sucks. Cinnamon Toast Crunch man, it's the best. Makes the milk taste all good. All the Capn does is cut the roof of your mouth. Piss on Capn Crunch."

"Geez your dumb man, Bic pens are the only way to go. You obviously dont know anything writing your little notes with your Zebra F-301. Fucking dumbass. Piss on Zebra Pens F-301."

"No wonder you're never gonna get married. You wear K-mart brand white crew socks. Dumbass. Walmart brand white crew socks are like spanish fly dude. Piss on K-mart brand white crew socks."

Come on man.

Sports teams are completely exempt from this comparison. they are in fact in direct competition with each other all the time.

Hero......Idol.......Cartoon?

Remember when you were in school and you had to write that paper about your "hero." Some girls would write about their mom, some guys would write about their dad, that one kid w/the row of cuts on his forearm and an upsidedown cross on his forehead writes about Charles Manson(timebomb). I dont remember ever writing that paper, not that i wasnt assigned, i probably just never wrote it. Fuck busy work.

It's a stupid paper anyway, fucking hero, but, i would have definately got ripped for who i idolize. Who i aspire to be like. Man I can hear my rhetoric teacher now man,

"Bugs Bunny? Your hero is Bugs Bunny?"

"yeah"

"Not your mother or your father or grandparents but, Bugs Bunny?"

"yeah :)"

"Don't smile cause it's not funny. They raised you, they provided for you and are helping you become who you are. All children should look up to their families."

"then why didn't you have me write a paper about my family."

"Grrr."

I always hated that. If a teacher or anyone wants to illicite a certain response by giving an assignment, make the assignment about what you want it to be about. Dont be all like, "it should be, it better be," after i already did the damn thing(if i did it) cause it isnt what you wanted.

Anyway to the heart of the matter. Bugs Bunny is the best. Is charismatic, he's funny, he's got staying power, and he's a total fucking jerk. Plus who's got the balls to fuck with Bugs huh? New cartoons man, they don't pull half the stuff this guy did. Mostly like, gross out humor a little now, Bugs was all and all violence. Same with the oldschool tom and jerry man. I have to belive the credo back in the day with cartoons was, "we can do anything we want, as long as there is no blood."

Red ink, thumbs up. Tomato sauce, thumbs up.

Bugs couldn't pull that shit now. They got him running around six flags and junk, total bullshit. He didn't hate Elmer, Daffy, Sylvester, Wile E., or anyone but, i'll tell you what, he'd rather put um in a dress, roll um up in a rug w/some dynamite, throw it off a cliff, drop an anvil on it, drop a boulder on it, then frolic around a fucking theme park posing for pictures with um. How can you pussify Bugs Bunny? Same way they pussify everything, take away the violence.

I'm sorry, if your kid tries to drop an anvil off a roof onto some other kid, your kid is a fucking dumb ass. Or, your kid is fucking awesome cause how the hell would he find an anvil let alone drag it to the roof. Fucking mongoloid. You probably knew he was fucked up the whole time. You're a fucking jerk man.

Spit of the week-July 17th

I'm gonna start spitting on someone (figuratively not literally) every week from now on. I feel it's my civic duty.

This week i'm gonna spit on someone that i've wanted to punch in the face for a while. He's a director of some of the worst movies ever. I mean ever. Plus he thinks he's real good at it. His name is Uwe Boll.

Never heard of him? Ever hear that they were making a video game into a movie? He probably directed it. House of the Dead, Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark- are part of his masterwork.

Ever played House of the Dead? It's pretty alright. You stand there and shoot zombies. Blood everywhere, nothing wrong with that. Ever see the movie? I did. Bad. Real Bad. It's not even bad cause it was based (loosely) off a video game, it's just bad in general. Bad acting, bad camera, bad zombies ( they jump around like gorillas and stuff?), bad bad bad bad. However, thanks to this movie, i know if i was invited to a rave on an island, i couldnt go. I'm not a ninja. Which, somehow, everyone in the movie is. They are all ninjas man. Doesnt matter if the drunk asian chick or the squirrley american guy were acting feeble and stupid a moment before the "zombie" attack, they are ninjas now that they are in danger and OH BOY IS IT ON!!!

"Fans are always totally flipping out and I understand that the fan of a video game has his own agenda in his head and has his ideas about what is a good movie and what is a bad movie." Referring to House of the Dead, Boll said: "I think I made a perfect House of the Dead movie, because it really shows how the game is. It's a lot of fun, it's over-the-top action."

No you fucking didnt you stupid bastard. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? The movie wasn't fun, it was fucking painful. You did a terrible job with everything. The game has 2 detectives exploring a castle after hearing screams. By your logic, you could do that with any movie or idea. It's like if you were to make a movie about about a rave on an island with ninjas and nazi's and you called it "The Diary of Anne Frank." You're a fucking idiot.

This is my favorite though-When rumors appeared that Uwe Boll expressed interest in a Metal Gear Solid movie, and claimed to have been given a script to read, Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima responded in his audioblog HIDECHAN, "Absolutely not! I don't know why Uwe Boll is even talking about this kind of thing. We've never talked to him. It's impossible that we'd ever do a movie with him."

He was just walking around saying he was gonna make a Metal Gear movie. Um, no. No one wants you to do that. I can handle you ruining games that didnt have enough depth to have had movies even considered about them but, i would have rather had the juice of Rosie O'Donnell's unfertilized ovary eggs shot in my eyes than to even start to fathom you fucking with the Metal Gear franchise. And personally, i dont even play that fucking game anymore but, you're a jerk and shouldnt be allowed to come near it.

Uwe Boll, I spit on you.

I didnt see the other movies because i saw Guerilla Zombie Attack on Sega Rave Island.

Randomness due to boredom: The silent killer

What if when you were born, you were fully grown and elderly and as you got "older" you actually got younger to the point where you just an egg. I mean think about it, it's logical to a point. Here are some similarities between The El and babies:

No teeth-No hair, or little to none-Diapers-Can't do a lot on their own-Get hurt easily-Some are cute-Some arent

I could go on for a while.

And here's another thing, people have eggs. that's fucking weird.

When i was a kid, i liked to pretend that when i played Mega Man 2, there was some kid in Japan, playing as all the bad guys and trying to stop me. Why Japan? Cause that's where the fucking game came from man. Der.

Saw that movie FaceOff w/Nic Cage and Travolta, wanted to be a priest cause Cage was dressed like one at the beginning and he grabs that like 15 year old GIRLS ass and she was all digging it. ( i was about 16 at the time by the way). Later i realize that priests dont grab girls asses at all. That is disturbing. Church-I fucking hate that place.

After re-reading that last paragraph, that was pretty fucking twisted. What the fuck was wrong with me?

26 letters in the alphabet-how come there are 4 essential B vitamins in my drink. Why did they have to name them all B? If there are 4 different B's why not just leave 1 as B and call the other vitamins something else.

Not Knowing is Half the Battle

Relationships either work or they don't. Pretty simple right? Either you get married or you break up. Or you get married and then break up but, that's not the point.

The point is this, what happens afterward? Sometimes, the dumpee might get a bit hung up on the dumper even they were rejected by that very same person. This could go on for say.............years somehow.

I say "somehow" cause i have no idea how the hell I..........i mean PEOPLE let it happen for so long. You even tend to ignore that you've both changed and really if you were back with that person........it wouldnt be the way it was. And if it wasn't the way it was before,....then it would be different........der.

The reason for holding a torch, at least in the case that i'm thinking about, for so long was easy access. Not like "Easy" but you know, "easy", like, the phone number was too fucking easy to forget alright!?! Yeah, it was. Everytime i was drunk or, even worse, lonely, i would let the person on the other end of this easy to remember number know it................for years.

What happened? Well the number got changed, then, thankfully, my arm finally got tired. Sad right? FUCK NO IT AIN'T sad. It was the most wonderfully liberating day of my life to this point....i think. Of course, it was no ones fault but my own that i was this obsessed with anyone, still.......it wasnt entirely my fault. Seriously, it wasn't.

Back to my point, dont have the number, dont want the number, and i dont think about the past. That's pretty incredible that with 1 simple innocent gesture that was in no way made to make my life easier, it did. I dont even care when people say they saw (from this point on, she will be refered to as "old number") old number. The conversation usually goes like this:

Dude-"Saw old number last night."

Me-"She's not dead?"

Dude-"Um, no."

Me-"Not dead huh, good for her."

Incredible. Before i think i would have cried..........if i could cry...............which i cant............which is still strange.

The absolute HORROR that is Paris Hilton...no pictures.

The following is a quote from someone who will remain nameless due to the complete ignorance of the statement.

"I named my child after Paris Hilton."

Makes you wanna punch yourself in the eye doesn't it?

It's a jawdropping truth that some people actually, seriously, Paris Hilton fans. If you live in a small town, and you are a fan of her, do you think if she actually graced your town with her pressence that she would spit on you let alone look or talk to you? No, she wouldn't.

She's an idiot and like all idiots, she's entertaining. Sure she is, somehow or another, a celebrity of sorts. But.........wait for it.................something obvious coming.............................SHE'S NOT A FUCKING ROLE MODEL. She doesnt give a fuck if you named your kid, your dog, your cat, your fish, your antfarm, your mail-order husband(could happen), your left nipple, your friends nipple, your friends dog, your lawn, your car, your toilet, your computer, your keys, your sunglasses, your bananas, your friends bananas, or your favorite lobatomy chair after her. She never will care about anyone but herself. So, let's all pay homage, to sweet Paris who was in jail for 20 some days ( i wasnt really paying attention) and was released, thank hey-suess, and was able to return to partying, not working, doing drugs, being a complete waste of flesh that is a disease to the society at large and really contributes nothing to society but the entertainment we get out of watching her suffer or be a bitch if you can call that entertainment cause i dont i like doing the jumbles, and getting kids named after her. Peace out Paris. All of you.

Fakin it (cont.)

More things that are fun to fake:

1. Sincerity- Nothing like making a person think you care then telling them they are a whiney baby.

2. Injury- Especially when someone tries to hurt you on purpose and you totally but, convincingly overact the injury to the point where they gotta come close to you to check to make sure your not dead, WHAM, elbow to the fucking neck.

3. Employment- Had a friend steal a vest from K-mart and a name tag and walk around one day trying to work there. Hilarious.

4. Anger- Again, when he was being "fired", he was acting like he was mad. Hilarious.

Fakin it, one day at a time

I'm gonna let out a secret.

Men can and will fake IT too.

That's right. Now dont get me wrong, we don't do it w/the frequency of some women but, every once and a while, yeah totally faked it.

Problem w/faking it is that it's pretty dangerous territory you know? i mean no guy really asks his girl if she faked it cause it would be a huge blow to your ego if she did frequently and told you about it(i know this because tyler knows this.) Anyway, girls work the same way, just, they dont believe you.

"you can't fake IT, i would have known."

You didnt know, and i did.

"whatever, you're just mad that i faked IT and you're making this up."

Yeah yeah whatever, now, go away, it's Madden time.

And since i'm just randomly babblin away as it is, I had sex while i played Madden one time. That was pretty great. It was win win well, and by that i mean, i won the game and got to have sex all at the same time. I'm sure the girl wasnt all that impressed but, that's not my fault. I could have just faked it.