What Childhood? From Baby to Man

Though the death of Barry was a shock, Wayne continued with his childhood. Lanolin had many male suitors who all agreed, Wayne should definitely be in sports immediately. Basketball had immediately came to mind since Wayne was ahead of the curve in height and weight.

One day, one of Waynes several "uncles" took him to a near by basketball court for a pick up game. Wayne was only 8 months old at the time but his coordination and walking abilities were that of a 6 yr old.

Wayne and his "uncle" patiently waited for the game currently being played to be over and when it was, Wayne stood with the other children ready to begin what his "uncle" thought to be his assent into superstardom. Wayne was picked last out of the other children. Not because he wasn't intimidating, he was, but at the same time he was a truly odd sight. He was only wearing his t-shirt, running shoes, and a diaper.

The game was about to begin. One of the older kids told Wayne to stand down by the basket. Wayne blankly looked at the kid. The boy repeated himself. Wayne stood silently. The boy set the basketball down and walked over to the spot he wanted Wayne and pointed down. When he looked up, he saw a giggiling Wayne running away with the basketball. His "uncle" yelled for him to stop and bring the ball back but Wayne never stopped. In this distance you could hear Waynes first words.

"Poopie douche"

As Wayne was running, a black van pulled up next to him. The van accelerated and got in front of Wayne. Two asian men jumped out and threw Wayne in the van. He would spend the next 7yrs in an Asian sweatshop. Hating Asians everyday.

Basketball Wayne

The Beginning of the Legend

In 1951, Lanolin and Barry Simon gave birth to a son. Because of their religion, polygamy, they were unsure if Barry was actually the father. The baby, having a dark brown left eye, hair as black as night, a white right eye due to a scar that drained the eye of pigment, a full goatee, and a tattoo of the tazmanian devil dressed as a hitler youth on his right butt cheek, Barry had a pretty good indication he might not be his biological son but Barry didnt care. He wanted to share the love he had in his heart with the boy. They named him Wayne.

When Lanolin was released from the hospital 2 days later, Baby Wayne already grew 3 ft and weighed 45 pounds. When the arrived at their home, Barry immediately tried to throw Baby Wayne into his favorite sport: Cricket. Barry died due to extreme head trama from the force of a cricket ball striking his head.

3 days later, Baby Wayne was 5-6 and weighed 150lbs. He grew a full beard in mourning of his father who had loved him like his own son, for the 6 days he was alive so far.

Waynes first halloween costume

The Forgotten

A buddy and me were talking the other day and the subject of movie sequels came up. I was like, "you know, terminator 2 and aliens were pretty good but there is one movie that people seem to forget that kicks ass." After i told him we both agreed that it had to be one of the most overlooked sequels of all time.

The subject of gremlins kinda came up because i said children are a lot like mogwai's. Dont really want to feed um after midnight. They hate getting wet. And if you leave um in the sun, they are more suseptiable to cancer. Truth.

That's when i made this revelation: I've seen gremlins 2 about a 1000 more times than the actual gremlins movie. That movie pretty much rules.

Think about it. We had cross dressing gremlins, the electric gremlin, the super smart gremlin, the vegetable gremlin, the spider gremlin, the bat gremlin........ The first movie, had a gremlin with a mohawk. WOW.

Plus, that Clamp guy was friggin great. He designs a building that super freaking hi-tech. Lingering memory: "HEY MISTER, WELCOME TO THE MENS ROOM." gold.

I think i've seen that guy in like 10 other movies since then and he'll always be remembered as the guy who played Clamp in Gremlins 2. Like in that movie Payback, he was in it. I figured he just took a vacation from Clamp Enterprises for a while and decided to become a mob underling. Porter kills him. Oh well.

Rope would be good.

Women carry purses..............it's a fact. They keep like everything in there man. I've seen even the toughest guys shy away from looking in a girls purse. You never know what you would find. I don't know why they feel the need to carry 1/4 of their personal possesions in a bag slung from their shoulder and i'm not gonna question it. They just fucking do. Which brings me to my point.........

...........what the hell are with man bags.

You know, that almost backpack that hangs on your side insted of like, on your back. What the hell do guys fucking need a sidepack man bag for? I don't ever think i've had the need to carry a bunch of shit around with me just in case i needed it. If i'm planning on carrying something around all day, and it don't fit in my pocket, it isn't fucking coming with me.

I asked someone why do you need a sidepack man bag?

Me: What's with the bag?

Fem Boy: It's got my stuff in it.

Me: Like your lunch or something?

Fem Boy: No. Stuff i need.

Me: Rope?

Fem Boy: No my drawing supplys in case i get inspired.

Me: Wow................that...............is...................lame.

In summation: Woman carrie purses. Douchebags carry man bags.