Ch..Ch...Changes

Some people have had the notion in their heads that i've changed. Well, maybe i have. Is it a bad thing? i didnt think it was.

Some things are different, my house isnt nearly as delapidated as it once was. It's nowhere near finished either, but better than it was.

I don't drink as much as i used to. Not really cause anyone made me, but because i don't drink as much as i used. how's that? my choice and everything.

What i don't understand is, how can anyone be upset w/me for that. I got 4 very good friends that are either married or are getting married, i'm not unhappy for them, that's fucking awesome. Are they the same people they were 5 years ago, no, not at all. They've moved on with their lives and i dont blame them. i'm not getting married, i'm just using it as an example.

So now, i hear things. I hear people bitching that i've changed. I'm not that little drunk kid who lives in a crappy house, who breaks his walls, who smashes bottles, who let's people destroy his house. Holy shit, if i heard that about me, i'd be happy for me.

I'd be excited that i'm trying to be anything but a screwup. Can we try that? Am i not allowed to have a nice place to live? Everyone else does. No i'm supposed to be everyones grinder monkey and entertain them.

The thing that pisses me off the most is, some of these people are supposed to be my best friends. Can't handle me growing up at all.

I do want to say that this post is not directed towards everyone. Some people have been rather supportive of everything and i appreciate it. You know who you are.

And something else, i like having people over. I like drinking and having fun when i can. I had a blast last weekend. The only difference is now, when i have fun, it's not at the expense at the place i'll still be living at in 10 years.

Spit of the week Aug 22

I hate that i pay to see advertising. I pay for the tv to show me 10 minutes of commericals for every 20 mintue show. Now, i know that advertisers pay the stations that i pay my cable company to provide to me so, they can get their product noticed and the station or "network," as they say in the biz, can provide me in turn with quality programming. Follow? No, that's okay cause i dont know if that's how it works anyway but, it seems right.

Here's my point, show me your fucking product, what it does, and how much it is, i'll buy it if i need it or it's supercool.

Car commercials for example, just because your commercial is classy with goofy ballet dancers dressed in like an all silver leotard with those dancer streamers attached to wands blowing in the wind doesnt mean i'm gonna buy your fucking car. In fact, since that commercial will probably get crammed down my throat at least a billquadozen times within the span of a 3 hour football game, i'll grow to hate it and your fucking car. Don't try to entertain me while peddling your product cause frankly, i dont care. No one cares. NO ONE CARES.

Most advertising agencys seem like a fucking cult to me anyway. Who thinks of this fucking garbage? They went to college for it? Really? You're a fucking liar, shut the fuck up.

Ad Exec-Hey, lets get a rapper that not a lot of people know, put him at a desk playing with one of those bally-on-a-string-bounce-into-other-bally things and then show him calling his buddy while drinking a pepsi.

Ad Exec2-Put some funky beats behind it too.

Pepsi Guy- Brilliant!

Ad Exec1- Wait, then we'll take the cans, get this, put some spinner rims on um.

Pepsi Guy-Oh my god!!!! Why didnt we think of this before, we'll sell so much more pepsi. Buy a billion slots on every station so we can let the kids know pepsi is good.

(dramatization but, it probably happened)

I mean come on. Did i buy more Pepsi because of that commercial.....no! I had to go on the fucking internet and find out who the fuck Pharrell was. Then i was like, wow, i no longer care about him and hope he chokes on his pepsi money. That commercial is terrible. Why would that make me want to buy pepsi?!?! Tell me?!?! You know why i'd buy a pepsi, because it's better than nothing. That should be their fucking corporate motto. Imagine this commercial:

Hot day in the hood. Kids playing basketball. Pepsi Machine in the background.

Bball Jones- man, i'm thirsty.

(walking into frame)Samuel L. Jackson: How bout a Pepsi?

Bball Jones- why would i want a pepsi?

Samuel L. Jackson: CAUSE IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING MOTHERFUCKER!

Scene

Back in the day, they had it right. Want to sell tuna? Get a cartoon fucking mermaid and hawk your fucking tuna. Want to sell vegetables? Get a cartoon jolly green fucking giant and the veggies, they will be bought. Want to sell a car? Show a baby getting circumsized in the back seat while driving down a bumpy road.

Advertising Agencys- I spit on you.

Note- Beer commercials are pretty stellar, cept for the ones with carlos mencia,........................ he's not funny.

Pointed Pointlessness

When you think of childhood memories, you always think of the like the best ones, you know? Like the time you really wanted that bike for your birthday, and sure enough, you got it.

I was sitting here today and i thought of some of the stupidest childhood memories i had. I mean if i had kid who did this stuff,.......i'd fucking kill um.

I didnt know how to play baseball when i was a kid. i didnt care about it till i was much older. I knew how to hit though. For some reason that skill was carved into my brain when i was tike for no particular reason but to piss other people off. I didnt home runs, i hit line drives. This isnt bragging, it's foreshadowing. One day for no reason whatsoever, i stood facing my parents house and threw a ball in the air and hit at the house. My theory was that the house would make an excellent backstop i guess. Well, the ball went through a window. I'm a fucking retard.

Yeah i know, every guy has put a ball through a window, whatever, but, i did it almost fucking deliberately, if that makes any sense at all.

Family vacation, florida, had to be like 9 years old, ran away from the hotel, through 8 lanes of traffic and hid in a Bennigans parking lot. Why? My sister called me a "gaywad."

My parents were painting the windows in our living room and the took the handles off of um. They had been sitting there for like 2 days, i grabbed one and hid it. I dont fucking know why.

Don't get me wrong, everyone has bad childhood memories and i'm not saying mine was bad at all, i'm saying, these are the most pointless things i did as i kid. Fucking pointless. A lot like this post.

Spit of the week Aug 10

It has been a really really really boring week hence, no posts.

Couldnt think of a damn thing funny or remotely amusing to write about, sucks really.

I havent even been all that pissed off at anyone lately, it's a total shock to me also considering the total pile of bitching i usually shovel on a weekly basis.

So i guess, my spit of the week goes to me, for being a lazy asshole. If i would have tried harder i could have came up w/something to blog about.

I've dissapointed my 4 readers and now i'm falling into a shame spiral and may not soon come out of it. That's a lie, i really dont care and i dont feel shameful.

I did think of something kinda cool though, that being if you put the word "toast" after a word like "fuck", it sounds pretty cool. Examples:

Cock Toast

Dick Toast
Shit Toast

Cock Toast Monger

Delicious Shit Toast Muncher

Total Ass Toast or "T.A.T."

Fucking Toast Hole

Shitting Toast Tosser

Cunt Toast Poacher

Suck the Toast of my Cock Hosebeast

Through all that majesty, i still deserve some spit.

Me, i spit on me.

Let the games,...........begin

I didnt have cable for 4 years. 4. When i tell people that, they usually say "oh my, how did you survive." I made stuff up and drank a lot. Der.

We had to think of stuff to do while we drank, fun stuff, sometimes destructive stuff. The latter, i am now paying for. It would always crack me up to tell people what i did over the weekend because the things i would come up with, were sometimes just, i dont know what they were.

Coworker-"so what did you do this weekend?"

Me-"I put a lawn chair on top of my table and drank beer w/my roomate."

Coworker-"um, why did you sit on the table?"

Me-"i didnt, i sat in a lawn chair, on that was on the table."

Coworker-"okay, why?"

Me-"cause there was alligators on the floor and we werent allowed to touch it."

Coworker-"you're 24 years old!?!"

Me-"yeah but, i dont have cable."

Coworker-"oh...."

So yeah, that happened. i wouldnt let anyone touch the floor. it got to the point that when people called me to tell me they were comin over, i wouldnt let them come in through the back door, they had to not touch the floor and come in through the front. I played it for about 3 hours. it was pretty fun i think but, i'm retarded.

Had a game named Kitchen ball. Essentially it was baseball in the kitchen. 3 man teams. Had a scoreboard and stats and everything. Awesome.

Had a game where i would grab every bottle off the table and throw them continually down the stairs onto the concrete floor. Okay that wasnt a game, i was just drunk.

Jumped through a wall my shoe was stuck in. Got stuck like winnie the pooh. sucked.

These were the things that used to be done before i had cable. Now, i have cable and i never get to watch it because i stay at my gf's house during the week a lot and she doesnt have cable. Irony.

Spit of the week Aug 1

Fucking gossip. I hate it. Not just like gossip about me, gossip about anyone. I might be the only one who doesn’t know what happened to lindsey lohan, other than she looks like a crack-out junkie rather than that cute red head she used to be, last week and i dont care. Hollywood gossip does not interest me. No gossip really does.

Paris in jail, good. you shouldnt drive drunk.

Nicole Ritchie going to jail too put her away for life for all i care. i dont fucking know her.

Brittney is psycho, der.

I dont care about these people. Not at all. In some cases, it would be a gift to society if these poor fucking spoiled brats were locked up in there houses for a few years that way everyone just forgot about them. Wouldnt bother me a bit.

Some of um, act like they are fucking victims, and they should fucking get punched for it. Paris was driving drunk on a suspended license man. What if she hit some kid or something? Neither she nor Nicole Ritchie has worked a day they’re fucking lives man and they got the money to get out of it. Whatever judge that stuck um in jail, good for them. It's about god damn time that someone had the balls to do something even if it was not what a normal person would have gotten.

And these fucking lawyers who are getting paid hand over fist to defend these drama queens, jesus christ. I know like in law school you're supposed to have like a "moral vacuum” or something that way you can defend anyone but, you're all a bunch of dick toast man. I get mad at the actors playing lawyers on Law and Order SVU when they are defending some scumbag, i'm really mad about the lawyers defending the spoiled brats w/money that break laws and seemingly get away with it.

People actually feel sorry for these brats and it's not due to the fact that they are concerned about the plight of the youth in america, it's because they are pathetic and try to live their lives through these people. There are people who want to live like this. Granted, money would be nice and they say it changes people but, when you can afford anything you want, why not throw a fucking party at your house, or castle, or hotel, or methadone clinic. You can afford it. Dont have to worry about getting a cab. Dont have to worry about the paparazzi looking up your dress when you decided not to wear underwear. I mean fuck, these girls can't control themselves, stay the fuck home.

One of them is gonna die, it'll end up being a national tragedy. The world will stop and everyone will morn one of these spoiled little brats. I dont wish death on anyone. I dont want anyone to do. But, if one of these people do, they had it coming. And fuck all of anyway, i could care less.

Spoiled brat celebrities, i spit on you.

Cock toast lawyers, i spit on you.

Pathetic people who warship these soon to be answers to trivia questions, i spit on you.