What Childhood? From Baby to Man

Though the death of Barry was a shock, Wayne continued with his childhood. Lanolin had many male suitors who all agreed, Wayne should definitely be in sports immediately. Basketball had immediately came to mind since Wayne was ahead of the curve in height and weight.

One day, one of Waynes several "uncles" took him to a near by basketball court for a pick up game. Wayne was only 8 months old at the time but his coordination and walking abilities were that of a 6 yr old.

Wayne and his "uncle" patiently waited for the game currently being played to be over and when it was, Wayne stood with the other children ready to begin what his "uncle" thought to be his assent into superstardom. Wayne was picked last out of the other children. Not because he wasn't intimidating, he was, but at the same time he was a truly odd sight. He was only wearing his t-shirt, running shoes, and a diaper.

The game was about to begin. One of the older kids told Wayne to stand down by the basket. Wayne blankly looked at the kid. The boy repeated himself. Wayne stood silently. The boy set the basketball down and walked over to the spot he wanted Wayne and pointed down. When he looked up, he saw a giggiling Wayne running away with the basketball. His "uncle" yelled for him to stop and bring the ball back but Wayne never stopped. In this distance you could hear Waynes first words.

"Poopie douche"

As Wayne was running, a black van pulled up next to him. The van accelerated and got in front of Wayne. Two asian men jumped out and threw Wayne in the van. He would spend the next 7yrs in an Asian sweatshop. Hating Asians everyday.

Basketball Wayne

The Beginning of the Legend

In 1951, Lanolin and Barry Simon gave birth to a son. Because of their religion, polygamy, they were unsure if Barry was actually the father. The baby, having a dark brown left eye, hair as black as night, a white right eye due to a scar that drained the eye of pigment, a full goatee, and a tattoo of the tazmanian devil dressed as a hitler youth on his right butt cheek, Barry had a pretty good indication he might not be his biological son but Barry didnt care. He wanted to share the love he had in his heart with the boy. They named him Wayne.

When Lanolin was released from the hospital 2 days later, Baby Wayne already grew 3 ft and weighed 45 pounds. When the arrived at their home, Barry immediately tried to throw Baby Wayne into his favorite sport: Cricket. Barry died due to extreme head trama from the force of a cricket ball striking his head.

3 days later, Baby Wayne was 5-6 and weighed 150lbs. He grew a full beard in mourning of his father who had loved him like his own son, for the 6 days he was alive so far.

Waynes first halloween costume

The Forgotten

A buddy and me were talking the other day and the subject of movie sequels came up. I was like, "you know, terminator 2 and aliens were pretty good but there is one movie that people seem to forget that kicks ass." After i told him we both agreed that it had to be one of the most overlooked sequels of all time.

The subject of gremlins kinda came up because i said children are a lot like mogwai's. Dont really want to feed um after midnight. They hate getting wet. And if you leave um in the sun, they are more suseptiable to cancer. Truth.

That's when i made this revelation: I've seen gremlins 2 about a 1000 more times than the actual gremlins movie. That movie pretty much rules.

Think about it. We had cross dressing gremlins, the electric gremlin, the super smart gremlin, the vegetable gremlin, the spider gremlin, the bat gremlin........ The first movie, had a gremlin with a mohawk. WOW.

Plus, that Clamp guy was friggin great. He designs a building that super freaking hi-tech. Lingering memory: "HEY MISTER, WELCOME TO THE MENS ROOM." gold.

I think i've seen that guy in like 10 other movies since then and he'll always be remembered as the guy who played Clamp in Gremlins 2. Like in that movie Payback, he was in it. I figured he just took a vacation from Clamp Enterprises for a while and decided to become a mob underling. Porter kills him. Oh well.

Rope would be good.

Women carry purses..............it's a fact. They keep like everything in there man. I've seen even the toughest guys shy away from looking in a girls purse. You never know what you would find. I don't know why they feel the need to carry 1/4 of their personal possesions in a bag slung from their shoulder and i'm not gonna question it. They just fucking do. Which brings me to my point.........

...........what the hell are with man bags.

You know, that almost backpack that hangs on your side insted of like, on your back. What the hell do guys fucking need a sidepack man bag for? I don't ever think i've had the need to carry a bunch of shit around with me just in case i needed it. If i'm planning on carrying something around all day, and it don't fit in my pocket, it isn't fucking coming with me.

I asked someone why do you need a sidepack man bag?

Me: What's with the bag?

Fem Boy: It's got my stuff in it.

Me: Like your lunch or something?

Fem Boy: No. Stuff i need.

Me: Rope?

Fem Boy: No my drawing supplys in case i get inspired.

Me: Wow................that...............is...................lame.

In summation: Woman carrie purses. Douchebags carry man bags.

They are all so F-ing crazy

Remember when Brittney was frigging b-e-a-utiful man? In like 10 years if you told your kids that they'd think you were as crazy as Wayne Kravistzky. Why'd she have to get crazy? Well, I dunno. The fame? The drugs? Maybe it was because her music was terrible? This is where i give "props" to Justin Timberlake, he tapped it before she went bezerk.

I'm using Brittney as an example, but i think i could say this for a lot of women. I've dated a bunch of um that seemed awesome at the time, became insane later. So, I'd tell um

"You're fucking crazy."

Everyone of um would say the same thing back to me,

"It must be you cause I wasnt crazy with my last boyfriend."

Yes you were. Fucking liar. In fact, the last guy you boned should have branded a disclaimer. It's amazing what you forget you hear about a person until they are throwing your dvd player across the room. You start remembering stuff slowly at first like: "oh yeah, she was the chick who was ingaged to the kid you played basketball with in the 6th grade. Werent they only dating for like a month?" Small sign. Then there is: "Didnt you hear that she got raped like 10 times and never reported it? I think twice by the same guy then she dated him?" Bigger sign. Oh and of course: "Hey dumbass, remember when she tried to die on your kitchen floor during a party cause you flipped her off and she took it as Please Try to Kill Yourself?"

Slapped with a frying pan in the face kind of sign.

Shit, your fucking nuts. It was too late by that point. I got a chunk taken out of my neck. That sucked.

Thankfully, i suppose, she got help. Then I might have gotten her pregnant. Now she's a lesbian. Good for her.

I'm a goddamn moron.

And thats another thing. How come all the crazy chicks who had sex with a bunch of people always think i'm the one who gets them pregnant? You're crazy. You could have fallen into some type of sex coma and gotten pregnant by one of the guys that got you all high for the exact purpose of getting some. Now i'm not talking about one person, i'm now talking about 2.

That's right. 2 ,at-one-time crazy women, have told me they were pregnant with my kid. 1 turned out not to be. the second.....i'll be waiting for the verdict this week.

I'm a goddman moron.

Without a dope beat to step to

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Ch..Ch...Changes

Some people have had the notion in their heads that i've changed. Well, maybe i have. Is it a bad thing? i didnt think it was.

Some things are different, my house isnt nearly as delapidated as it once was. It's nowhere near finished either, but better than it was.

I don't drink as much as i used to. Not really cause anyone made me, but because i don't drink as much as i used. how's that? my choice and everything.

What i don't understand is, how can anyone be upset w/me for that. I got 4 very good friends that are either married or are getting married, i'm not unhappy for them, that's fucking awesome. Are they the same people they were 5 years ago, no, not at all. They've moved on with their lives and i dont blame them. i'm not getting married, i'm just using it as an example.

So now, i hear things. I hear people bitching that i've changed. I'm not that little drunk kid who lives in a crappy house, who breaks his walls, who smashes bottles, who let's people destroy his house. Holy shit, if i heard that about me, i'd be happy for me.

I'd be excited that i'm trying to be anything but a screwup. Can we try that? Am i not allowed to have a nice place to live? Everyone else does. No i'm supposed to be everyones grinder monkey and entertain them.

The thing that pisses me off the most is, some of these people are supposed to be my best friends. Can't handle me growing up at all.

I do want to say that this post is not directed towards everyone. Some people have been rather supportive of everything and i appreciate it. You know who you are.

And something else, i like having people over. I like drinking and having fun when i can. I had a blast last weekend. The only difference is now, when i have fun, it's not at the expense at the place i'll still be living at in 10 years.

Spit of the week Aug 22

I hate that i pay to see advertising. I pay for the tv to show me 10 minutes of commericals for every 20 mintue show. Now, i know that advertisers pay the stations that i pay my cable company to provide to me so, they can get their product noticed and the station or "network," as they say in the biz, can provide me in turn with quality programming. Follow? No, that's okay cause i dont know if that's how it works anyway but, it seems right.

Here's my point, show me your fucking product, what it does, and how much it is, i'll buy it if i need it or it's supercool.

Car commercials for example, just because your commercial is classy with goofy ballet dancers dressed in like an all silver leotard with those dancer streamers attached to wands blowing in the wind doesnt mean i'm gonna buy your fucking car. In fact, since that commercial will probably get crammed down my throat at least a billquadozen times within the span of a 3 hour football game, i'll grow to hate it and your fucking car. Don't try to entertain me while peddling your product cause frankly, i dont care. No one cares. NO ONE CARES.

Most advertising agencys seem like a fucking cult to me anyway. Who thinks of this fucking garbage? They went to college for it? Really? You're a fucking liar, shut the fuck up.

Ad Exec-Hey, lets get a rapper that not a lot of people know, put him at a desk playing with one of those bally-on-a-string-bounce-into-other-bally things and then show him calling his buddy while drinking a pepsi.

Ad Exec2-Put some funky beats behind it too.

Pepsi Guy- Brilliant!

Ad Exec1- Wait, then we'll take the cans, get this, put some spinner rims on um.

Pepsi Guy-Oh my god!!!! Why didnt we think of this before, we'll sell so much more pepsi. Buy a billion slots on every station so we can let the kids know pepsi is good.

(dramatization but, it probably happened)

I mean come on. Did i buy more Pepsi because of that commercial.....no! I had to go on the fucking internet and find out who the fuck Pharrell was. Then i was like, wow, i no longer care about him and hope he chokes on his pepsi money. That commercial is terrible. Why would that make me want to buy pepsi?!?! Tell me?!?! You know why i'd buy a pepsi, because it's better than nothing. That should be their fucking corporate motto. Imagine this commercial:

Hot day in the hood. Kids playing basketball. Pepsi Machine in the background.

Bball Jones- man, i'm thirsty.

(walking into frame)Samuel L. Jackson: How bout a Pepsi?

Bball Jones- why would i want a pepsi?

Samuel L. Jackson: CAUSE IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING MOTHERFUCKER!

Scene

Back in the day, they had it right. Want to sell tuna? Get a cartoon fucking mermaid and hawk your fucking tuna. Want to sell vegetables? Get a cartoon jolly green fucking giant and the veggies, they will be bought. Want to sell a car? Show a baby getting circumsized in the back seat while driving down a bumpy road.

Advertising Agencys- I spit on you.

Note- Beer commercials are pretty stellar, cept for the ones with carlos mencia,........................ he's not funny.

Pointed Pointlessness

When you think of childhood memories, you always think of the like the best ones, you know? Like the time you really wanted that bike for your birthday, and sure enough, you got it.

I was sitting here today and i thought of some of the stupidest childhood memories i had. I mean if i had kid who did this stuff,.......i'd fucking kill um.

I didnt know how to play baseball when i was a kid. i didnt care about it till i was much older. I knew how to hit though. For some reason that skill was carved into my brain when i was tike for no particular reason but to piss other people off. I didnt home runs, i hit line drives. This isnt bragging, it's foreshadowing. One day for no reason whatsoever, i stood facing my parents house and threw a ball in the air and hit at the house. My theory was that the house would make an excellent backstop i guess. Well, the ball went through a window. I'm a fucking retard.

Yeah i know, every guy has put a ball through a window, whatever, but, i did it almost fucking deliberately, if that makes any sense at all.

Family vacation, florida, had to be like 9 years old, ran away from the hotel, through 8 lanes of traffic and hid in a Bennigans parking lot. Why? My sister called me a "gaywad."

My parents were painting the windows in our living room and the took the handles off of um. They had been sitting there for like 2 days, i grabbed one and hid it. I dont fucking know why.

Don't get me wrong, everyone has bad childhood memories and i'm not saying mine was bad at all, i'm saying, these are the most pointless things i did as i kid. Fucking pointless. A lot like this post.

Spit of the week Aug 10

It has been a really really really boring week hence, no posts.

Couldnt think of a damn thing funny or remotely amusing to write about, sucks really.

I havent even been all that pissed off at anyone lately, it's a total shock to me also considering the total pile of bitching i usually shovel on a weekly basis.

So i guess, my spit of the week goes to me, for being a lazy asshole. If i would have tried harder i could have came up w/something to blog about.

I've dissapointed my 4 readers and now i'm falling into a shame spiral and may not soon come out of it. That's a lie, i really dont care and i dont feel shameful.

I did think of something kinda cool though, that being if you put the word "toast" after a word like "fuck", it sounds pretty cool. Examples:

Cock Toast

Dick Toast
Shit Toast

Cock Toast Monger

Delicious Shit Toast Muncher

Total Ass Toast or "T.A.T."

Fucking Toast Hole

Shitting Toast Tosser

Cunt Toast Poacher

Suck the Toast of my Cock Hosebeast

Through all that majesty, i still deserve some spit.

Me, i spit on me.

Let the games,...........begin

I didnt have cable for 4 years. 4. When i tell people that, they usually say "oh my, how did you survive." I made stuff up and drank a lot. Der.

We had to think of stuff to do while we drank, fun stuff, sometimes destructive stuff. The latter, i am now paying for. It would always crack me up to tell people what i did over the weekend because the things i would come up with, were sometimes just, i dont know what they were.

Coworker-"so what did you do this weekend?"

Me-"I put a lawn chair on top of my table and drank beer w/my roomate."

Coworker-"um, why did you sit on the table?"

Me-"i didnt, i sat in a lawn chair, on that was on the table."

Coworker-"okay, why?"

Me-"cause there was alligators on the floor and we werent allowed to touch it."

Coworker-"you're 24 years old!?!"

Me-"yeah but, i dont have cable."

Coworker-"oh...."

So yeah, that happened. i wouldnt let anyone touch the floor. it got to the point that when people called me to tell me they were comin over, i wouldnt let them come in through the back door, they had to not touch the floor and come in through the front. I played it for about 3 hours. it was pretty fun i think but, i'm retarded.

Had a game named Kitchen ball. Essentially it was baseball in the kitchen. 3 man teams. Had a scoreboard and stats and everything. Awesome.

Had a game where i would grab every bottle off the table and throw them continually down the stairs onto the concrete floor. Okay that wasnt a game, i was just drunk.

Jumped through a wall my shoe was stuck in. Got stuck like winnie the pooh. sucked.

These were the things that used to be done before i had cable. Now, i have cable and i never get to watch it because i stay at my gf's house during the week a lot and she doesnt have cable. Irony.

Spit of the week Aug 1

Fucking gossip. I hate it. Not just like gossip about me, gossip about anyone. I might be the only one who doesn’t know what happened to lindsey lohan, other than she looks like a crack-out junkie rather than that cute red head she used to be, last week and i dont care. Hollywood gossip does not interest me. No gossip really does.

Paris in jail, good. you shouldnt drive drunk.

Nicole Ritchie going to jail too put her away for life for all i care. i dont fucking know her.

Brittney is psycho, der.

I dont care about these people. Not at all. In some cases, it would be a gift to society if these poor fucking spoiled brats were locked up in there houses for a few years that way everyone just forgot about them. Wouldnt bother me a bit.

Some of um, act like they are fucking victims, and they should fucking get punched for it. Paris was driving drunk on a suspended license man. What if she hit some kid or something? Neither she nor Nicole Ritchie has worked a day they’re fucking lives man and they got the money to get out of it. Whatever judge that stuck um in jail, good for them. It's about god damn time that someone had the balls to do something even if it was not what a normal person would have gotten.

And these fucking lawyers who are getting paid hand over fist to defend these drama queens, jesus christ. I know like in law school you're supposed to have like a "moral vacuum” or something that way you can defend anyone but, you're all a bunch of dick toast man. I get mad at the actors playing lawyers on Law and Order SVU when they are defending some scumbag, i'm really mad about the lawyers defending the spoiled brats w/money that break laws and seemingly get away with it.

People actually feel sorry for these brats and it's not due to the fact that they are concerned about the plight of the youth in america, it's because they are pathetic and try to live their lives through these people. There are people who want to live like this. Granted, money would be nice and they say it changes people but, when you can afford anything you want, why not throw a fucking party at your house, or castle, or hotel, or methadone clinic. You can afford it. Dont have to worry about getting a cab. Dont have to worry about the paparazzi looking up your dress when you decided not to wear underwear. I mean fuck, these girls can't control themselves, stay the fuck home.

One of them is gonna die, it'll end up being a national tragedy. The world will stop and everyone will morn one of these spoiled little brats. I dont wish death on anyone. I dont want anyone to do. But, if one of these people do, they had it coming. And fuck all of anyway, i could care less.

Spoiled brat celebrities, i spit on you.

Cock toast lawyers, i spit on you.

Pathetic people who warship these soon to be answers to trivia questions, i spit on you.

Simpsons Movie

In tribute to the Simpsons Movie opening today, here are some funny Simpsons quotes. I'm lazy.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

Homer: Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Troy McClure: Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Last one and personal favorite-

Homer: Everytime i learn something new, something old gets pushed out of my brain. Remember that time i took that home wine making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: You were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Spit of the week-July 25th

If you had a childhood what so ever, you played mario brothers. If i asked which was the best mario brothers game ever, you more than likely would say Super Mario Bros 3. I'd have to agree. If it wasnt for this game, i dont think i'd have ever played a SMB ever again.

You see, SMB3 was an act of redemption. Redemption because of the lame ass fucking game that they slapped the name SMB2 on and got everyone all excited about nothing.

How bout this, those lazy fuckers, SMB2 isnt even really SMB2. Did you know that jack?!? It isn't. In "the homeland", the "homeland people that make videogames" thought that the original SMB2 would be too hard for "us". So they took this game called, Dream Factory: Yume Kōjō: Doki Doki Panic. See how they have "dream" in the title, that way you know, it's all a dream.

Yeah so, "the company", took out the 4 main charcters and replaced them with the mario characters. Then, they left everything else pretty much the same.



Fucking stupid. Look at it. Fucking stupid. Hang on real quick, why the hell would i want to play something like this if i enjoyed SMB? I wouldnt. It's terrible. That's why SMB3 had to be made. Cause it's excellance completely makes you forget there was ever a SMB2. Why the hell would i want to pull up vegetables and and stuff when i could turn into a racoon and smack people with my tail. Yeah sure, i could throw the vegetables at guys, fuck that how bout i just shoot some damn fireballs. That's right no fireballs in SMB2. No super powers at all. Luigi can jump high, yeah and he looks fucking gay. Toad is pretty great in that level you dig in the sand, yeah, that one fucking level. Princess can float, and she's a fucking cunt.


And another fucking thing, Zelda 2 sucked ass too.


Nintendo- I spit on you

It's time to play the FEUD!!!

I was driving in my car the other day, yeah and i was behind a truck. It had random stickers all over it so, i read some.

"horn broken, watch for finger." hahaha......

"Gas, ass, or grass."..........whoa hahahahaha.....

"Ross Perot '92"...........okay that one is kinda funny.

The one that cracks me up is the ones with the little Calvin (you know like Calvin n Hobbes?) guy peeing on stuff. Like well this...........

Peeing on the Ford logo. What the hell does that mean anyway? Piss on Ford? Why? Hmmm...

TruckMan5000-"Fords suck."

Me-"Um, why?"

TruckMan5000-"Um...I mean come on, they just do. They are terrible trucks. DODGE RULES!!"

Me-"Okay, why do they rule? What makes um better?"

TruckMan5000-"Well i drive Dodge and it's awesomely great and big and red. PISS ON FORD!!"

Dramatization........sorta.

I've asked people man, ford people, dodge people, why the antimosity towards the other? Why fight a feud for a corporation that just really wants your money anyway? It's like if i had a sticker with the little guy peeing on a bottle of Coca Cola. That way everyone knows that i like pepsi man, and i'm rebellious and coke sucks so piss on it. Pretty fucking retarded man. If ur gonna have anything, get something that just says like "my truck is better than yours cause i'm driving my truck and you are driving yours and i'm better than you cause you suck." I mean you can condense that anyway you would like. Why rip on someone for their preference of brand? More examples i believe are needed to accurately convey my point...

"Fuck you man, Capn Crunch sucks. Cinnamon Toast Crunch man, it's the best. Makes the milk taste all good. All the Capn does is cut the roof of your mouth. Piss on Capn Crunch."

"Geez your dumb man, Bic pens are the only way to go. You obviously dont know anything writing your little notes with your Zebra F-301. Fucking dumbass. Piss on Zebra Pens F-301."

"No wonder you're never gonna get married. You wear K-mart brand white crew socks. Dumbass. Walmart brand white crew socks are like spanish fly dude. Piss on K-mart brand white crew socks."

Come on man.

Sports teams are completely exempt from this comparison. they are in fact in direct competition with each other all the time.

Hero......Idol.......Cartoon?

Remember when you were in school and you had to write that paper about your "hero." Some girls would write about their mom, some guys would write about their dad, that one kid w/the row of cuts on his forearm and an upsidedown cross on his forehead writes about Charles Manson(timebomb). I dont remember ever writing that paper, not that i wasnt assigned, i probably just never wrote it. Fuck busy work.

It's a stupid paper anyway, fucking hero, but, i would have definately got ripped for who i idolize. Who i aspire to be like. Man I can hear my rhetoric teacher now man,

"Bugs Bunny? Your hero is Bugs Bunny?"

"yeah"

"Not your mother or your father or grandparents but, Bugs Bunny?"

"yeah :)"

"Don't smile cause it's not funny. They raised you, they provided for you and are helping you become who you are. All children should look up to their families."

"then why didn't you have me write a paper about my family."

"Grrr."

I always hated that. If a teacher or anyone wants to illicite a certain response by giving an assignment, make the assignment about what you want it to be about. Dont be all like, "it should be, it better be," after i already did the damn thing(if i did it) cause it isnt what you wanted.

Anyway to the heart of the matter. Bugs Bunny is the best. Is charismatic, he's funny, he's got staying power, and he's a total fucking jerk. Plus who's got the balls to fuck with Bugs huh? New cartoons man, they don't pull half the stuff this guy did. Mostly like, gross out humor a little now, Bugs was all and all violence. Same with the oldschool tom and jerry man. I have to belive the credo back in the day with cartoons was, "we can do anything we want, as long as there is no blood."

Red ink, thumbs up. Tomato sauce, thumbs up.

Bugs couldn't pull that shit now. They got him running around six flags and junk, total bullshit. He didn't hate Elmer, Daffy, Sylvester, Wile E., or anyone but, i'll tell you what, he'd rather put um in a dress, roll um up in a rug w/some dynamite, throw it off a cliff, drop an anvil on it, drop a boulder on it, then frolic around a fucking theme park posing for pictures with um. How can you pussify Bugs Bunny? Same way they pussify everything, take away the violence.

I'm sorry, if your kid tries to drop an anvil off a roof onto some other kid, your kid is a fucking dumb ass. Or, your kid is fucking awesome cause how the hell would he find an anvil let alone drag it to the roof. Fucking mongoloid. You probably knew he was fucked up the whole time. You're a fucking jerk man.

Spit of the week-July 17th

I'm gonna start spitting on someone (figuratively not literally) every week from now on. I feel it's my civic duty.

This week i'm gonna spit on someone that i've wanted to punch in the face for a while. He's a director of some of the worst movies ever. I mean ever. Plus he thinks he's real good at it. His name is Uwe Boll.

Never heard of him? Ever hear that they were making a video game into a movie? He probably directed it. House of the Dead, Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark- are part of his masterwork.

Ever played House of the Dead? It's pretty alright. You stand there and shoot zombies. Blood everywhere, nothing wrong with that. Ever see the movie? I did. Bad. Real Bad. It's not even bad cause it was based (loosely) off a video game, it's just bad in general. Bad acting, bad camera, bad zombies ( they jump around like gorillas and stuff?), bad bad bad bad. However, thanks to this movie, i know if i was invited to a rave on an island, i couldnt go. I'm not a ninja. Which, somehow, everyone in the movie is. They are all ninjas man. Doesnt matter if the drunk asian chick or the squirrley american guy were acting feeble and stupid a moment before the "zombie" attack, they are ninjas now that they are in danger and OH BOY IS IT ON!!!

"Fans are always totally flipping out and I understand that the fan of a video game has his own agenda in his head and has his ideas about what is a good movie and what is a bad movie." Referring to House of the Dead, Boll said: "I think I made a perfect House of the Dead movie, because it really shows how the game is. It's a lot of fun, it's over-the-top action."

No you fucking didnt you stupid bastard. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? The movie wasn't fun, it was fucking painful. You did a terrible job with everything. The game has 2 detectives exploring a castle after hearing screams. By your logic, you could do that with any movie or idea. It's like if you were to make a movie about about a rave on an island with ninjas and nazi's and you called it "The Diary of Anne Frank." You're a fucking idiot.

This is my favorite though-When rumors appeared that Uwe Boll expressed interest in a Metal Gear Solid movie, and claimed to have been given a script to read, Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima responded in his audioblog HIDECHAN, "Absolutely not! I don't know why Uwe Boll is even talking about this kind of thing. We've never talked to him. It's impossible that we'd ever do a movie with him."

He was just walking around saying he was gonna make a Metal Gear movie. Um, no. No one wants you to do that. I can handle you ruining games that didnt have enough depth to have had movies even considered about them but, i would have rather had the juice of Rosie O'Donnell's unfertilized ovary eggs shot in my eyes than to even start to fathom you fucking with the Metal Gear franchise. And personally, i dont even play that fucking game anymore but, you're a jerk and shouldnt be allowed to come near it.

Uwe Boll, I spit on you.

I didnt see the other movies because i saw Guerilla Zombie Attack on Sega Rave Island.

Randomness due to boredom: The silent killer

What if when you were born, you were fully grown and elderly and as you got "older" you actually got younger to the point where you just an egg. I mean think about it, it's logical to a point. Here are some similarities between The El and babies:

No teeth-No hair, or little to none-Diapers-Can't do a lot on their own-Get hurt easily-Some are cute-Some arent

I could go on for a while.

And here's another thing, people have eggs. that's fucking weird.

When i was a kid, i liked to pretend that when i played Mega Man 2, there was some kid in Japan, playing as all the bad guys and trying to stop me. Why Japan? Cause that's where the fucking game came from man. Der.

Saw that movie FaceOff w/Nic Cage and Travolta, wanted to be a priest cause Cage was dressed like one at the beginning and he grabs that like 15 year old GIRLS ass and she was all digging it. ( i was about 16 at the time by the way). Later i realize that priests dont grab girls asses at all. That is disturbing. Church-I fucking hate that place.

After re-reading that last paragraph, that was pretty fucking twisted. What the fuck was wrong with me?

26 letters in the alphabet-how come there are 4 essential B vitamins in my drink. Why did they have to name them all B? If there are 4 different B's why not just leave 1 as B and call the other vitamins something else.

Not Knowing is Half the Battle

Relationships either work or they don't. Pretty simple right? Either you get married or you break up. Or you get married and then break up but, that's not the point.

The point is this, what happens afterward? Sometimes, the dumpee might get a bit hung up on the dumper even they were rejected by that very same person. This could go on for say.............years somehow.

I say "somehow" cause i have no idea how the hell I..........i mean PEOPLE let it happen for so long. You even tend to ignore that you've both changed and really if you were back with that person........it wouldnt be the way it was. And if it wasn't the way it was before,....then it would be different........der.

The reason for holding a torch, at least in the case that i'm thinking about, for so long was easy access. Not like "Easy" but you know, "easy", like, the phone number was too fucking easy to forget alright!?! Yeah, it was. Everytime i was drunk or, even worse, lonely, i would let the person on the other end of this easy to remember number know it................for years.

What happened? Well the number got changed, then, thankfully, my arm finally got tired. Sad right? FUCK NO IT AIN'T sad. It was the most wonderfully liberating day of my life to this point....i think. Of course, it was no ones fault but my own that i was this obsessed with anyone, still.......it wasnt entirely my fault. Seriously, it wasn't.

Back to my point, dont have the number, dont want the number, and i dont think about the past. That's pretty incredible that with 1 simple innocent gesture that was in no way made to make my life easier, it did. I dont even care when people say they saw (from this point on, she will be refered to as "old number") old number. The conversation usually goes like this:

Dude-"Saw old number last night."

Me-"She's not dead?"

Dude-"Um, no."

Me-"Not dead huh, good for her."

Incredible. Before i think i would have cried..........if i could cry...............which i cant............which is still strange.

The absolute HORROR that is Paris Hilton...no pictures.

The following is a quote from someone who will remain nameless due to the complete ignorance of the statement.

"I named my child after Paris Hilton."

Makes you wanna punch yourself in the eye doesn't it?

It's a jawdropping truth that some people actually, seriously, Paris Hilton fans. If you live in a small town, and you are a fan of her, do you think if she actually graced your town with her pressence that she would spit on you let alone look or talk to you? No, she wouldn't.

She's an idiot and like all idiots, she's entertaining. Sure she is, somehow or another, a celebrity of sorts. But.........wait for it.................something obvious coming.............................SHE'S NOT A FUCKING ROLE MODEL. She doesnt give a fuck if you named your kid, your dog, your cat, your fish, your antfarm, your mail-order husband(could happen), your left nipple, your friends nipple, your friends dog, your lawn, your car, your toilet, your computer, your keys, your sunglasses, your bananas, your friends bananas, or your favorite lobatomy chair after her. She never will care about anyone but herself. So, let's all pay homage, to sweet Paris who was in jail for 20 some days ( i wasnt really paying attention) and was released, thank hey-suess, and was able to return to partying, not working, doing drugs, being a complete waste of flesh that is a disease to the society at large and really contributes nothing to society but the entertainment we get out of watching her suffer or be a bitch if you can call that entertainment cause i dont i like doing the jumbles, and getting kids named after her. Peace out Paris. All of you.

Fakin it (cont.)

More things that are fun to fake:

1. Sincerity- Nothing like making a person think you care then telling them they are a whiney baby.

2. Injury- Especially when someone tries to hurt you on purpose and you totally but, convincingly overact the injury to the point where they gotta come close to you to check to make sure your not dead, WHAM, elbow to the fucking neck.

3. Employment- Had a friend steal a vest from K-mart and a name tag and walk around one day trying to work there. Hilarious.

4. Anger- Again, when he was being "fired", he was acting like he was mad. Hilarious.

Fakin it, one day at a time

I'm gonna let out a secret.

Men can and will fake IT too.

That's right. Now dont get me wrong, we don't do it w/the frequency of some women but, every once and a while, yeah totally faked it.

Problem w/faking it is that it's pretty dangerous territory you know? i mean no guy really asks his girl if she faked it cause it would be a huge blow to your ego if she did frequently and told you about it(i know this because tyler knows this.) Anyway, girls work the same way, just, they dont believe you.

"you can't fake IT, i would have known."

You didnt know, and i did.

"whatever, you're just mad that i faked IT and you're making this up."

Yeah yeah whatever, now, go away, it's Madden time.

And since i'm just randomly babblin away as it is, I had sex while i played Madden one time. That was pretty great. It was win win well, and by that i mean, i won the game and got to have sex all at the same time. I'm sure the girl wasnt all that impressed but, that's not my fault. I could have just faked it.

Randomness is bliss

I work. Not real hard but, i do work. I get up every morning and go to my job, work for 8 hours or so, then go home. My job isn't hard, it's actually a cake walk man so, why am i gonna bitch about it? Cause i work with people.

Not all people are bad, there are in a fact a lot knowledgeable people that i work with. However, the scariest thing i've ever seen is stupidity in mass quantities. I'm basically a glorified babysitter though, if some of these people were babies, they'd have better excuses to why they can't do their job. Scratch that, actually, i could teach my gf's 2 year old to do this job and she wouldnt ask nearly as many questions.

If something told you to do something, would you do it or would assume something completely different? That seems a bit hard to follow, i'll give an example. If you read something that said, press the L key on the keyboard, would you ask me if you are supposed to press F? No, you would press the fucking L and you would press it because it tells you to, you wouldnt have to ask me a damn thing.

People complain about the work force being to young or whatever but, i'm here to tell you, it doesnt matter who you hire, people are dumb at all ages. Then if you find someone who is well qualified, young or old, and they do their job well and get promoted quickly over someone who was floating along on their senority, people bitch.

Well, this goes out to all people who complain and are jealous of people's success, shut the fuck up. Whine about it all you want, work harder or admit you suck and be happy in your fucking station in life.

This goes to the people who gossip uncontrollably because their life is not as interesting as other peoples and they are mad about it, your pathetic, grow up, shut the fuck up. There are people who thrive on that shit. I dont know man, maybe i'm not compassionate enough about the plight of other people but, seriously, i could give a shit less if someone i hardly know fucked someone i have never talked to. Don't even come at me with that, i'll spit on you.

"Did you hear that Maxine tripped and ended up having sex with Lance?"

"No. I didnt ask."

"Oh, well they did then Lance said he would buy her a dog and he didnt."

"I just want to smoke, stop talking."

"Well, he's a bastard. How can you possibly have sex and not buy someone a puppy."

"You should kill yourself."

"I mean come on, Jared bought Beth a rose bush and she was sleeping with Thomas."

"...."

"Can you believe it?"

"..............*jumps into oncoming traffic*"

That would be sweet, like in that movie Meet Joe Black. I'd go all bouncing around, getting juggled in the air by consecutive cars, then i'd come back as the reaper. .............yeah i never saw that movie shut up.

How bout them (insert your team here)?

I love sports. No problem there.

Here's my issue and really, it's not so much a issue as it is...well, funny. People who don't watch sports, do not understand. My friends, even if they hate sports, will come over when i'm watching a game or a fight or whatever just to watch me get drunk or subsequently get drunk themselves. See, i'm a yeller. I yell at the screen, opposing teams fans, people on the street, pretty much everyone whether my team is doing well or not. Here are some things i've had said to me while watching my favorite sporting event.

"They can't hear you through the screen, stop yelling."- Fuck you. Maybe they can't "hear" me but, i like to think they feel it. Like when a jedi dies, the other jedi's "feel a disturbance," Rex Grossman feels it when i call him a cock gobblin jungle turd after his 3rd interception of the game.

"You keep saying "we" like you're part of the team."- I am part of the fucking team. I bought my Chicago Tribune this morning which in turn means i help pay Derrek Lee's fucking salary (at least till the end of the year it does) . HIT SOME DAMN HOME RUNS!! Thanks for batting .340 this year so far, really, but, you'd help US a lot more if you'd have hit about 14, 15, 60 homeruns by now. I can say all this cause i love Derrek Lee and as a fan, i'm entitled to bitch about a player who is awesome but, should be awesomer.

"It's just a game."- It is just a game. Just a game. Game 6. NLCS. 2003. 5 outs. Pre-pussified Mark Prior. Bartman..............................................anger building.......................................ALEX GONZALEZ IS A STUPID BASTARD FOR BOOTING A FOR SURE DOUBLE PLAY BALL. Anway my point is this, after that disaster of a game, there was another game. I didnt think there was gonna be so i had already made plans to be w/gf who hated baseball. We lose game 6 and i try to ease into a "baby, i'm not coming over tonight because Kerry Wood is gonna pitch in a game 7," she wasnt having any of it.

In summation, i sacrificed my future with a girl that i was w/ a few years at this point, to watch Wood lose game 7. I'd do it again in a fucking second. If you can't handle my fandom, then leave. I'm not part of this team? Sweet Georgia fucking Brown i am.

Sports are fun. I like them, almost a frightening amount.

Could be worse, you could be Van Damme

It's true that i haven't been blessed with a good mood since.......................,huh,.....last Octember but, still, i feel good today. It's finally friday, it's not hot out which in turn means my house wont be filled with the smell of sweat and well, whatever else my house smells like......crap i guess. Since i've been angry lately, today, i'll reflect on some things that made me that way.

Indestructibility- I'm in a bad mood, i'll break stuff. Wrong. Still can't punch through bricks. Damn you Van Damme.

Movies- Everything that has came out in the past month, with exception to a few, has been terrible. TERRIBLE. What the fuck is Miss Potter? Hasn't Rene Tawilliger made this movie like 14 times? You know what the last movie i saw was? Some movie that had the guy who played Parker Lewis (u know, Parker Lewis) playing a freaking serial killer. Damn you Van Damme.

Van Damme- What the hell happened to this guy? Oh yeah,.................cocaine. Everday, EVERYDAY, i look up at the Hard Target banner that hangs in my room and i shed a metaphorical tear for the man who gave us movies like Time Cop, Kickboxer, Bloodsport, and KnockOff. Okay,.........KnockOff was a bad choice.

The Fact i still havent seen one episode of the Office- Hey, you bastards are supposed to be my friends. You know i dont watch real tv. I only watch sports, syndicated sitcoms, court shows, and law and order svu. For shame on those who have dvds of this program that have not lent them to me. Jerks.

Jennie Finch- She can strike out major league hitters, underhanded. She plays for a Chicago team. She's FUCKING beautiful. Oh yeah she's married. Fuck you.

She's probably all gross and bitchy anyway. Probably not though. Damn you Van Damme.

At least I said please...

I can't think of a damn thing to write about right now. I'm pretty exhausted actually. It's wednesday and it feels like it should be....................next year sometime. I'm tired of this week. So i'll just babble aimlessly and blog about stuff that pops in my head. Which is usually what i do anyway.

So, i layed on my kitchen floor for an hour yesterday and stared at the ceiling and i realized something, people are crazy. Not a giant revelation by any means i know but still, they are truly crazy. But if all people are crazy, wouldnt that make them normal? No, they are still crazy. For example, I can't cry. Seriously, i can't cry. I tried. I'm all shook up about some stuff too, can't cry. That's actually kinda neat but, what kind of psycho can't cry? This kind.

Some people have no idea what they are doing with themselves. Ever. When they think they have it figured out, they change their minds. Then they come back to square one, being upset because they have no idea what they are doing with themselves. That's kinda annoying idnt it?
I thought it was, crazy.

Women are crazy. I dont even really have to elaborate. I dont need random fucking girls telling me that "men are just as crazy," cuz i know okay. So, if you're a random fucking girl, shut up please. Anyway, women are batshit crazy.

You think you know me?

This is a rant.

A rant defined by Dictionary.com is :–verb (used without object)
1.to speak or declaim extravagantly or violently; talk in a wild or vehement way; rave

That's what i'm gonna do.

I fucking hate people. Not all people. Just those who think they high and upstanding in society thus believing it's okay to shit on people who are below them. Let me tell you something fucktard, no one is above anybody. You sit on the pocerline pot and drop greasy dung balls just like i do, the difference is i dont wipe my ass with silk. I've got the blue 1 ply that i bought in the bundle pack on sale at K-mart.

I dont feel bad cause i'm not "priviliged" w/money, or someone who will give me money, and i'm not whining about it either. That doesnt make anybody anything. I live my life to the fullest everyday though, it may not be full to you, it's full to me. To say i'm not "good enough" for anybody or anything is preposterous. Who are you to tell me what i am you fucking snob? I'm not "mature" enough. What the fuck does that mean? My preference to beer over wine doesnt make me an imbicile. My preference to a corn dog over cavear doesnt make me a hayseed. And my preference to spit on you rather than talk to you doesnt make a better person.

Almost seems hypocritical right? Yeah well it could be worse, I could have the spit on my face and the emptiness in my heart that dwells within yours. Your selfishness and Hitler demeanor that "everyone should be the way you are", is disgusting.

You are worthless.

END OF RANT

I feel better. More than likely if you know my blogs address this wasnt about you. i'm not gonna spell check anything either cause it puts my own retarded emphasis across.

I don't remember it sucking this bad?

Everyone gets old. It's a fact. Google it or....whatever. Anyway, movies that we liked back when we were kids don't always get better with age. It's a travesty i know but, i gotta tell ya, the garbage pail kid’s movie sucks. Anyone who even recalls this movie right now but, hasn’t seen it in 10 years, is thinking "BLASPHOMY". I don’t know what the hell happened to it but, Dodger is puss, Tangerine is a dumb name for even an 80's chick, and Juice is a total, is a total,.............i have no idea what the hell is with that guy. For christ’s sake, do you remember what that movie is about, A FUCKING FASHION SHOW!!!! Yeah,........ look it up.

I love the Karate Kid, i do, but, Daniel is a fucking sissy. Geez, he whines a lot, A LOT, he's a jerk to a young chubby Elizabeth Shue who you could tell was gonna get hot and leave him ( which she did in KK2), and he learned karate from painting a fucking fence. The Cobra Kai guys train every day, to kill people. Literally man, John Kreese was in NAM!! I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

We always hurt, the ones we love.

TV. Yeah, i like TV. It keeps my mind palette aptly lubricated w/sports, cartoons, and random syndicated sitcoms. I like that.
With that said, movies cut up to be on tv suck balls. I had an argument w/ a buddy of mine for years, and i mean years, that there was an Octopus in The Goonies. There is. I knew there was. Data fucking says at the end of that movie that "da octapus wuz vwery scari." No one acknowledges this.

You see, the octopus scene is in some tv versions to compensate for all the crap they cut out. (The scene is total garbage and rightfully should have been scrapped) There was no readily accessible proof that it existed at the time, we had to wait for the dvd. The dvd came out and i was vindicated. I felt pretty good about this.

Back when the movie Gladiator (russell crowe not cuba gooding) came out, i swear to the unholy god of colon cancer, there was commercials with people playing sports comparing them to gladiators. They were ridiculous. No one believed me. The dvd came out. No vindication. No proof. Blast!
Just on a side note, Corey Feldman was a wierd guy.

Oh and one more thing.......

here you go bob

The circus is calling me but, I can't find the phone.

I should be dead. That's right. I should be buried six feet in the ground with worms enjoying their bountiful harvest that was once my body.

I know it's not really funny to think i should be dead and i don't want to die but, it doesnt change facts. I've dated enough pyschos and had enough random acts of jesus vengeance placed on me that death would really seem the logical thing.

Exhibit A.- I had West Nile Virus. No, I didnt go to a doctor. My roommate told me I had it and he worked in a pharmacy and was in the army. SO THERE! I layed in the shower for 3 days. CURED!!

Number 2.-I don't go to doctors. Or hospitals. Just dont want to. I have insurance and everything.

Part 3.-I had a carbon monoxide leak in my house for 3 months. Good thing my windows at the time were either open or broken or, dead. Worst that happened to me is i got headaches which i in turn took as "maybe i should start drinking so i dont notice this headache." CURED!!!

Four.- Crazy girls. People are like, "maybe you just made them crazy." I would normally agree however, how do i drive a girl to pretend like she's gonna hug then wrap her legs around me and bite me like a vampire on my neck? I was fucking bleeding. That's just a taste of that animal, i'm keeping the rest in the jar.

High 5.-Retardedness. I am retarded. I've been hit in the back of my head by a paraplegic’s crutch really hard for money. I got hit by a car,3 times, by a girl cause i wasnt done yelling at her and wouldnt get out of her way. I jumped out a six foot window like i was superman and then in turn fractured my ankle. To be fair though, i could have hurt my ankle a couple minutes before that when i was reenacting the final fight scene from The Karate Kid w/my roommate.

COBRA KAI, NEVER DIE!!!

Why my stomach hurts.

It's pretty simple actually, i ate too much trail mix all at once. Why did i continue to eat the trail mix? Again, simple, my pride. That's right. Pride.

I was in my bosses office rumaging through the drawers of her desk for something to snack on. I found this trail mix. She told me to go ahead and eat it. Innocent enough right? Could stop eating whenever i want right.

My brain for some reason takes things as a challenge. Like she told me, "no way you can eat all that trail mix." So, I ate all of it. now i'm sick. thanks brain.

Mysteries of the Universe, verse verse verse.

It's Saturday night, you've got a wallet full of fresh pay day cash, you've got no immediate agenda. You're buddy calls you, "Let's do some boozin." You call some other people, they are also interested in contributing to your destruction of the aluminum army. Great. Everyone comes to your place, which you are happy to provide, also not everyone will come equipped w/the nessasary tools to get themselves jumped blitzed, you also provide. Then something happens, whether it's an ordinary night or it's a particularly great night, someone always says "let's head out to the bar." There's something wrong with this. I'm just talking about the person who's hanging out w/most of their friends and has to say "i wanna go out". People always follow that one person. Usually that person is one of the people who didnt contribute to the buying of your beloved rocky mountain nectar but, surely helped to dwindle supply.

Personally, most of the time, I don't see the allure of going out. I'm much more apt to stay in and have a blast than go out and spend more money than i though i would to get mildly drunk. Going out isn't terrible, it just seems like to much of a risk, especially if i'm already half in the bag, than reward. My "mini parties" arent the grand parties of ole but, people seem to like um. I like those people, even the ones that leave but, i'm obligated to stay. Plus, i really don't like half the people that are out. I dont like buying girls drinks. They feel i should cause they spent 2 hours getting ready to stand in a sweaty bar with a 10/2 ratio of guys to girls and only brought 6 bucks. Get a better job, look prettier so more guys will buy those drinks, or maybe don't go out so much. (also, i'm taken so i really could care less). I dont like most of the guys that go out. I remember them all in highschool guess what? Havent changed a bit. Isn't that weird? Nope, i'm not surprised. Hate the music. Who the hell played this Dixie Chix song 30 fucking times in a row? It's been a different song everytime? Country music all sounds the damn same to me.

So here's how it ends up, I go out and buy my beer and end up hanging out with the same people i was hanging out with before doing less of what we could be doing at mi casa because the bar frowns on throwing shot glasses at each other, the dart machine cost 3 bucks to play, and i have to worry about some chick bothering me to buy her another Jaegerbomb because 16 isn't enough. The puke in your hair and that lingering smell of bile and oriental chicken salad says you've had enough.

I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Spitting and why it's effective

Say one time, you were arguing with your woman about how she shouldnt try to deal drugs out of your bathroom. While you are conversing with your bud about the situation, she darts between you and punches you in the jaw as she walks on by. Incensed by the fact that you just got suckerpunched, you weigh your options.

• Hit her back and risk imprisonment and gain a reputation about "smackin hoes."


• Yell but, essentially do nothing else.


• Attempt to jump over your buddy and spit in the face of your attacker.

I chose option C. I believe i came out on top due to the fact that you may not remember why i spit on you but, you'll always remember that it happened.

Spit and anger go together like Nick Nolte and a DUI. It just works. Want the last word and can't think of a good zinger, spit. Spit near them, on them, into them, it doesnt matter. It's better than any slang that ever scooted out of your word hole.

Of course it's also like waving a red hanky in front of a bull. Use your spit wisely, like for girls. so you dont hurt um. cause thats wrong. spitting.

Things that piss me off....

I can't think of a damn one. It's like, I started a blog to get some stuff out in the open in a humorous manner and all I could come up w/was the dreaded circle of wrinkled, wobbly that is "The EL." Kind of a bummer.

Oh here's one, cross talkers. Yeah i think i just made that name up but i really dont give a rip. These are the fucking people that when you're talking to um on the phone, they are talking to someone else too. The worst is when they call you and then they are talking to a random other person. Then you got to repeat every damn thing you just said cause they did hear you.

Me: "Hey bud, what's going on?"

Bud: "Not too much, just thought I'd call and let you please stop licking the carpet there it's all wet."

Me:" What carpet? Why the hell would i lick the carpet man?"

Bud:"Oh, I was talking to the dog. Anyway, I was gonna see if you wanted to booze it up later?"

Me:"Oh, the dog, yeah that would make more sense, I was gonna say, you know you could have been talking to me but, i would have had to wonder how you knew i was with your mom last night. HAHAHAHA!

Bud:"....."

Me:"You get it dude?"

Bud:"....."

Me:"It was just a joke man but, yeah i'll booze."

Bud:"........Oh, sorry man i wasn't paying attention i was watching this old Nsync video. They really wernt that bad man."

Me:"Yeah I'll booze dude."

Bud:"Rock on. I mean i was totally gonna play but that guy was ripping through people like MJ Fox in Teen Wolf.:

Me:"Huh?"

Bud:"Sorry man, i was talking to this dude about some b-ball. Alright C-Ya!"

Me:" We boozin or what?"

Bud:"Yeah sorry I was saying by to my mom, she said Hello by the way."

That was irratating and long huh? I used to have a gf who did this everytime she called. My only consolation was that she liked getting slapped really hard during sex so i took out my crosstalk aggresion on her then..........which was pretty great actually.

The Elderly: Suburban Terrorists

For crying out loud, you never know what the elderly will do next. They strike without warning whether it's burning a mule in their slacks while standing in front of you in line at K-Mart or suddenly darting out in front of your motor vehicle on their hover rounds, the elderly are a force to be reckoned with. They've been everywhere and done everything. They've used double coupons on Tuesday when the sign clearly says that they can only use um on Saturdays. Why doesn’t anyone stop them? One word, fear. Fear you say, of the white haired exoskeleton wearing bifocals with pants past their belly button as to show you their prescription orthopedic shoes? Yeah, FEAR! You can't mess w/ a member of "The EL." For christs sakes, somebody would kick the hell out of you if they saw you. They can do whatever they want and nobody can touch them. You see a car driving on the wrong side of the road, first reaction, "WHAT THE HELL! THAT GUY IS A MANIAC!!" Then some lady hears you yell that and says "Leave um alone he's old and his glasses slip off his face while he's driving!" Then a crowd forms around you and you get pelted like a Palestinian till you're bloody for messing with "The EL".

Wait wait wait

Where were all the other kids on Saved by the Bell. I mean you got Zack, Kelly, Slater, Lisa, Jessie and Screech. Where were the stoner kids? Where were the girls that just hated Kelly cause she was dating Zack? I don't exactly get either where Jessie and Screech fit in but, I like where their lives have taken them since SBTB.

Jessie was in the 1st movie that made me want to touch myself before i knew the best ways to do it and the other day I saw my buddy with a t-shirt that had Screech on it wanting donations to save his house. Very funny. Oh and what the hell happened to Slater? Back in the day, he was kinda portrayed as the Bayside Badass and now, he's well, not. It hurts me that he has been sissfied to the degree he has. These tears are for you A.C. I dont know what happened to you but, I'm sure those bastards at Valley are laughing it up.

Let me explain something..

I'm gonna explain why I started this little cove in the blogosphere, cause I was bored. That's right, boredom was it's mother, she consented and then conceived. I'm not the smartest guy in the world but, I sure as hell am not the dumbest. I've looked dumb right in the eyes and said "no sir, i'll have none of your pie." So as soon as I think of something fun to post, I will. Promise. The fun is coming.